[B.J.] Give me another clamp.
[People Chattering]
Mmm. Golden, golden.
[Chatter Continues]
[Sighs]
Ah, 17 straight hours of surgery.
- Anybody seen my back? - I could sleep for a week.
[Softly] You promised to do my toenails.
Tickalock.
Does he really do her toenails?
His father was a world famous manicurist.
Son of a gun. You're always full of comebacks.
Thank you. I want an hourly report on that arterial transplant patient.
- Yes, Doctor. - Colonel Potter?
- Colonel, we just got a radio message from Nurse Cratty. - What's a "Nurse Cratty"?
Meg Cratty. Runs a civilian orphanage about 30 miles north of here.
Uh, sir, she said they're being shelled, and they've got to evacuate.
Good Lord. All those children.
Happened last year too. They bunked with us.
Some of the kids are sick, and she's got a pregnant woman that's gonna have a baby.
Oh, no! Are we gonna have to go through that again? They steal!
- Burns, shut your face. - Last year they took a roll of my best toilet paper.
They just wanted to look at the pictures.
Let's get cuttin'. Major, break out the extra cots, blankets, pillows, whatever we need.
Yes, sir. Corporal, I'll need a detail.
All right, everybody. We're getting company from the orphanage.
I need the mattresses. Klinger, put that down. I need you.
- You just said pick it up! - We need supplies. Mattresses, cots, blankets, extra pillows.
- Towels. - Get those mattresses outta here.
- Put those two cots in Colonel Potter's tent. - Those in Colonel Potter's tent.
- Put these two cots in Major Burns's tent. - Major Burns's tent.
- Put these two in my tent. - Those two in her tent.
Are you gonna stand there clowning around, or are you gonna help me?
Major, I guess you haven't noticed! This is not a house dress.
- Go get in your fatigues. - Fatigues? In the evening?
- Move it! - Is she beautiful?
- Margaret.! - Put that in my tent. I have to get this done, Frank.
Come here. Come here.
- What is it? - I want to show you something.
- Not here! - No, this came in a box... when we were working.
Okay, keep it moving. Keep it moving.
- It's a Purple Heart. - Yeah!
- Who's it for? - Me, silly!
You? How? When? When were you wounded?
Last month when those two snipers infiltrated.
- You never told me. - [Giggles] Well...
I know. You didn't want to worry me.
Yeah. Well, when have I ever asked for sympathy? Hmm?
- Resisting the pain. - Yeah.
Holding it back. Keeping that tiny little chin firm.
Laugh, clown, laugh. [Chuckles]
- [Winces] - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Wanna get that side? - Yeah. I got it.
I'll do this. Why don't you start the other one?
Ah, shame you decided to become a doctor. You'd have made a great chambermaid.
I've done both in my time. Worked in a resort hotel to help my way through pre-med.
Ten dollars a week and all the pride I could swallow.
Oh, caramba.! Don't tell me we're having two foreigners sleeping in here.
Frank, this is their country. We're the ones from out of town.
Oh. Always attacking us and defending them. If you like it so much why don't you live here?
I do live here, Frank. You ought to see a proctologist about possible brain damage.
- What's that you're wearing, Frank? - Just my citation.
Citation, Gracie?
- That's a Purple Heart. - Yeah. It's a Purple Heart.
- You were never wounded. - I most certainly was!
- When? - During the sniper attack.
A month ago. I got a shell fragment in my eye.
Hold the phone, Central! I'm the one who treated that eye.
That was an eggshell fragment.
Nevertheless, it was the result of combat...
and it's on my service record as "shell fragment."
You were breaking open a boiled egg and got nervous.
- Those are for kids who really get shot up. - I could have lost my eye!
Oh, yeah. There are hundreds of cases of losing an eye from a three-minute egg!
- Give it back, Frank. - Not on your Nellie!
Frank, you don't get medals for other people's blood.
[Radar] She's here, sirs. Nurse Cratty.
- They're here. - Come on.
Sir? Uh, Major?
I know! I'm not "deef!"
- Okay. Hiya, Meg. - Would you believe they're bombin' us again?
War is no fun if you don't bomb orphans.
This is Dr. Hunnicutt. Trapper John's gone Stateside.
- My sympathies to both of ya. - Thanks.
- Well, Colonel. - You look terrific.
Well, of course I do. I just came from the beauty parlor.
- Is this your whole bunch? - All except that little mother-to-be.
We dropped her down the road to visit her in-laws. She'll be along.
Hi. I remember you.
- Well, Father. - Lovely.
I just washed.
Mama san, Mama san.
- Mama san. - She thinks I'm a woman.
Never dreaming I gave you jockey shorts for Mother's Day.
Okay. Open your mouth.
I hope you like this. Some of it was cooked before you were born.
Right this way. You got a little passenger here.
I'll take him from you. Come on.
- Eyes clear. - Got two bits, Joe?
My name is Major Burns, not Joe.
And I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Jasper.
- Next. - Frank, give the poor child a quarter.
- No! - Frank, stick a crowbar in your wallet and give it to him!
- Here. - Thanks.
- You're welcome. - Match you double or nothing, Joe?
- See? - Well, you don't have to play with him.
I'm gonna teach him a lesson.
[Snickers]
All right.
- Thanks. - Next!
- Little cheat. - Oh, Frank, how did he cheat?
Oh, they have their ways.
How'd he lose his leg?
Oh, they pick up shells to sell for brass.
Once in a while they get a live one.
[Sighs] Oh, God.
All right.
You've already had your inoculation.
Four bits? Double or nothing?
- Am-scray! - [Blows Raspberry]
- We wanna hear a story. - Honest, I don't know any story.
You tell a story. You gotta practice for your little girl.
I could tell them about "Jack and the Beanstalk," but I have a fear of heights.
Freud says that has something to do with sex.
My wife's only 5'1 ".
- Story. - Story.
Okay, okay. Once there was an army doctor...
a bad, bad major.
What did he do?
He pretended he deserved something that only certain soldiers can have.
He accepted a medal that he wasn't entitled to.
If you think I don't know who you're talking about, you're a dumb Dora.
[Laughs] Okay, okay. I'll give it a try.
- Once upon a time... - You're a natural.
A long, long time ago, there lived a young man...
named Androcles.
Now, Androcles was a very kind, very gentle young man.
One day he was taking a walk in the wilds...
and he came upon a great big...
ferocious-looking lion.
[Roars]
[Laughing]
"Well, that's it," thought Androcles.
"He's gonna have me for lunch."
But instead of eating him, the lion held out his paw...
to show him that there was a great big thorn stuck right in his paw.
Now, Androcles realized that he could run away...
because the lion was in so much pain, he couldn't chase him.
But instead, you know what he did?
Androcles very gently...
removed that thorn from the lion's paw...
and the lion was so happy, hejust walked right away.
Androcles thought no more about that lion for years...
until one day he was arrested by some guys called the Romans...
who wanted to punish him for his faith.
You see, Androcles was not only very kind, he was also very Gentile.
And, uh, these Roman guys, they threw him into an arena...
and let out... to tear him to pieces...
a gigantic, ferocious lion.
Well, sir... They're asleep.
- Yeah, so? - So what?
So what happened to Androcles and the lion?
You know what happened.
You're not gonna finish?
I think your senility's here ahead of schedule.
Okay, okay.
Just for that, I'm not gonna tell you the version where the papa bear comes home alone.
- [Knock At Door] - [Laughs] Yo?
- Hi, Meg. - Hi, guys.
- You got any tea left in this kettle? - Comin' up.
- [Sighs] - Kids all bedded down?
Mm-hmm. I'm a little worried about Sung Lee though.
That's my expectant mother. She should be here by now.
- Bubble gum? - Mm-hmm. Want some?
Uh-uh. But please don't blow any bubbles. It scares the kids.
They think your stomach's comin' out.
[Sighs] You know, that stuff's a lot better than it used to be.
- It's our aging process. - We let it sit a full 20 minutes now.
You sure you want more of this story?
You really don't understand.
You want more? You do want more.
Okay. Here we go.
"Field stripping, cleaning and routine maintenance of Garand rifles.
Section 22!
Repeated disassembly and assembly causes excessive wear of parts...
and will eventually reduce the accuracy of the weapon.
See Figure 57."
Oh! Pictures and everything.
"To disassemble piece into above groups...
place butt against left thigh, sights to the left.
With thumb and forefinger of right hand, pull downward and outward...
on rear of trigger guard.
Swing trigger guard out as far as it will go...
and remove trigger housing assembly."
And so they lived happily ever after.
[Muttering] Assembly.
- Halt! - [Yelps]
- Sorry. Sorry. - It's okay.
- Going to latrine? - Yeah. Both of us.
Mention my name. Take good care of her.
- [Metallic Clang] - What's that?
- Nurse Cratty. Nurse Cratty! - Hey.!
Oh, my God! That's the pregnant girl. She's been shot!
- Medic! Medic! - Hey! Hey, medic!
[Yells] Hey, somebody! Help! Somebody!
##[Piano. Classical]
Shh.
You've got to stop, honey. Sack time.
You were terrific. You can play in the morning.
Hey, you're real good. I betcha you know "Chopsticks," huh?
There you are. Nice and warm.
- Mama san. - No. No mama san. Corporal Klinger.
- Mama san. - G.I. Joe.
Look. See? No McGuffies.
Everybody sleep. [Imitates Snoring]
She took a bullet through the lower abdomen. Blood pressure's 80 over 40.
- [Woman Moaning] - Baby's heartbeat's audible.
- It's 90. - We've gotta get in there and see what's bleeding...
and then do a Caesarian section, otherwise we'll lose them both.
- Doctor? - Only thing to do.
Pump in some more plasma, and let's get some whole blood.
- I've already sent for it. - Prep her, Major.
- Midline incision. Stem to stern. - Yes, Doctor.
Anybody done a Caesarian lately?
- Damned arthritis is eating up my knuckles. - Hawkeye?
I haven't delivered a kid since I drove my nephew over to his grandmother's.
- That's close enough. - What are the heart rates?
- Maternal, 140. - Baby's 75.
B. J.'s fresh out of residency.
- Just a kidney stone's throw away. - It's up to you, B. J.
- Right. - You deal. We'll kibitz.
- Patient's ready, Doctor. - Fine, Major. Shall we make a baby?
[Man On P.A.] Attention, all surgical staff.
Heavy night patrol action. Stand by for incoming wounded.
- Wounded. 4:30 a.m. - Terrific.
You could set your watch by this war.
Corporal. Did you see a Slicky Boy come through here?
- Sir, you'll wake her. - I saw that little thief hanging around officers' country.
- Something missing from your tent, Major? - Oh, it's only a matter of time.
Stealing isn't even considered a crime in this godforsaken country!
It's because they're poor, Major. They have to steal to survive.
Well, there's no reason for being poor!
If they had any gumption, they'd be out looking for a job...
instead of always scrounging around in our garbage cans for food.
Yes, sir. [Sighs]
Where are the rest of the children?
- Can you see that bleeder? - I think so.
Looks like the uterine artery. Clamp.
- Sponge that, Margaret. - Sponge.
Send his X rays to his draft board in case they like horror pictures.
- Let's get some of this blood off the floor. - Corpsman.
- What's wrong with wall-to-wall blood, Colonel? - Steady, Hawkeye.
- Clamp. - I'll give you more retraction.
I'll clamp the uterine off, and try not to get the ureter.
Then I'll go after the baby.
Her blood pressure's dropping, Doctor. 70 over 30.
More blood. Pump it in.
Close this for me, Margaret. I've got 20 parties waiting for this table.
Fresh gloves! Something in a blue suede.
Hawkeye, take a look at this.
- Better do a nephrectomy. - Gimme a retractor.
- May I be of any help? - Everybody has, Father.
Might as well bring in the chairman of the board.
- [Murmurs] - Clamp.
Oh, stop behaving like a child.
- Retract a little more. - What's the story, B. J.?
- Bleeding's controlled. - Terrific.
- I'm going after the baby. Classical section. - Kellye?
Pressure's barely holding.
- Those rotten snipers. - It's their job to be rotten.
The bullet came awfully close to the baby. Cross your fingers.
Good luck, B. J.
Here we are.
See the place I fixed up for you?
Oh. What a big girl.
There. Now listen. Don't worry. They're not gonna move you from in here.
You gonna go back to sleep, huh?
Gonna try?
# Bye-lo, baby #
# Bye-lo, baby, bye #
# Daddy still loves you #
#Though he's gone to war ##
- Colonel, I'd like to talk to you. - Get on a table.
- Has that Slicky Boy been in here? - Scrub. We need your hands.
Heaven only knows what he's filched around here.
All these people are such a bunch of crooks!
That one down there is smuggling bullets in her abdomen.
- Oh, funny. - Father, will you help Major Burns scrub up?
- Yes, Colonel. - Now just a minute!
You give these people an inch, and they'll take a mile!
- Father, you're hurting my arm. - Come, my son.
- Hey! - Let me help you scrub, Major!
What are you doing? Priests aren't supposed to hurt people!
I did a bit of boxing before I joined the Jesuits. I was a featherweight.
They wanted me in Willie Pep's stable.
That feels nice, Father.
- These are tough times for all of us, you know, Frank. - Nice and soapy.
How's she doin', Father? The Korean girl.
Poor little thing. She's having a very difficult time of it.
- [Baby Squalling] - Hey, a baby! It's okay!
Another soul among the living.
Now, my friends, may I suggest we all bow our heads in silent prayer for the mother.
Klinger, I thought you were an atheist?
I gave it up for Lent.
[Sighs]
- How's the mother? - She's weak, but she's gonna be just fine.
Oh, great.
- Is it a boy or a girl? - If the pictures were right in school, it's a boy.
- Gee. - Bullet went through the mother's abdomen.
He's got a nick in his little butt.
- Wow. - He's gonna be all right though.
- Nurse Cratty? - Hmm?
I got something I'd like to give the mother. It's a bed jacket that's too small for me.
It's quilted, aquamarine with off-white brocade.
And right here there are violet sequins arranged in a stunning fleur-de-lis.
I gotta get him that discharge.
Now, just one minute, Margaret!
Now I won't even have time for coffee. I'm due in post-op.
It's just that I'll feel safer if I have it with me.
- How do you live with them? - [Mutters]
[Yelps] That's terrible! Sacrilege.
- What is it? - It's a picture of General MacArthur in the nude!
- It's gone. - What?
- My Purple Heart. Stolen! - Oh, Frank.
I knew it! They're all crooks!
- We should give this country back to the Indians! - Wait. Frank. Frank!
Stop him.! Stop him.!
Don't lie to me! Where is it?
No. Maybe some other boy. We all look the same to you.
I saw you hanging around my quarters. Now where is it?
I warn you. I've had two judo lessons.
- Knock it off, Frank. - You let him get away!
- He swiped something of mine! - No, he didn't.
How do you know? You don't even know what I'm talking about!
- That makes two of us. Come on. - What?
As commanding officer of MASH 4077...
and as authorized by the president of the United States, Harry S. Truman...
I hereby award this Purple Heart medal for wounds received in line of duty...
- to the child of, uh... - Sung Lee.
Right. And it's a privilege to honor the little guy.
Where did you get this?
- I bet I know. - Bite your tongue, Margaret.
Or better yet, let me do it.
- [Speaking Korean] - [Korean]
- That's my medal.! - You can get another one, Frank.
They're staying up nights making Purple Hearts.
- Well, I really would like one. - Well, with any luck at all...
Hawkeye, it was a nice thing you did.
- It sure was. - Well, he deserved it.
It's lousy to get shot on your birthday.
- Thanks a lot, Colonel. - Anytime, Meg.
- [Imitating Airplane Engine] - You ought to deliver babies more often.
I'm afraid I'm in the wrong neighborhood.
- Mama san.! - Yeah, okay. Mama san.
Klinger.
Hawkeye, if I was 40 years younger.
- I thought you were. - [Chuckles]
- Thanks a lot, Father. - Nurse Cratty.
- Oh, and thanks for all your good help, Major. - Oh, thank you.
Now sit down flat on the bottom.
Where you goin', Radar?
Hey, come on.
Come on.
Okay?
- [Korean] - [Korean]
[Everyone] Bye!